Quotes by Eddie Izzard

“They say that 'Guns don't kill people, people kill people.' Well I think the gun helps. If you just stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.”

“But with dogs, we do have "bad dog." Bad dog exists. "Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog!" The dog is saying, "Who are you to judge me? You human beings whove had genocide, war against peop...”

“Two languages in one brain? No one can live at that speed!”

“I had the luxury of knowing what I wanted to do. So I just sat on the bed and came up with a plan for myself:"I have to go to the Edinburgh Fringe. But I don't have the confidence to do a productio...”

“So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised! A little nave, I feel!”

“It wasn't until I was an adult that I realized you could buy a packet of cereal with a free gift and then just stick your hand in and root around in the packet until you found the free thing. It se...”

“If you are an LGBT+ person and you come out, you have to go through your knights quest to create ground for yourself, to create a space for yourself, to stand there and say, I exist. I have no reas...”

“Boy bands should be exploded from a great height. They're just pretty people singing music written by others.”

“Cats have a scam going - you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that's the deal.”

“Religion and philosophy, philosophy and religion - they're two words which are both... different. In spelling.”

“I try to just talk about human stories and what I think about religion or teapots or whatever.”

“I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.”

“Never put a sock in a toaster.”

“I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.”

“I mean, sometimes... a comedian becomes an actor, and they just don't deliver, because the bottom line of comedy is to be funny, and the bottom line of acting is to be truthful, and they get that m...”

“We must have been hunters and gatherers but some of us were just waiters and hopers.”

“But with dogs, we do have "bad dog." Bad dog exists. "Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog!" The dog is saying, "Who are you to judge me? You human beings who’ve had genocide, war against peo...”

“Two languages in one brain? No one can live at that speed!”

“If you are an LGBT+ person and you come out, you have to go through your knight’s quest to create ground for yourself, to create a space for yourself, to stand there and say, “I exist. I have no re...”

“In my first year I was taught about the slide rule. They said, The slide rule is important. Without it you can do nothing. The slide rule is the modern weapon of efficiency. With the slide rule you...”