52 quotes found
“I don't like to overdose. Call me old-fashioned.”
“I can't," I said. "I threw my back out masturbating.”
“A hotel room all to myself is my idea of a good time.”
“I do think about marriage, but it's not the end-all goal.”
“I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.”
“The love that comes from friendship is the underlying facet of a happy life.”
“There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.”
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”
“Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned...”
“My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her...”
“Men dont realize that if were sleeping with them on the first date, were probably not interested in seeing them again either.”
“My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic cl...”
“My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have ...”
“You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.”
“It was Valentine's Day and I had spent the day in bed with my life partner, Ketel One. The two of us watched a romance movie marathon on TBS Superstation that made me wonder how people who write ro...”
“I had always dreamed of being a professional escort but never thought that there was any real money in it.”
“There are many ways to get to know someone, and my favorite is seeing them naked in Happy Baby pose.I also feel it is important to have sex soon after meeting someone in order to find out if you ha...”
“Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jumping from one side of a king-sized bed to the other with a nurse's hat on while your father, who i...”
“After discovering him in his threesome, I spent the next two weeks in bed suffering from a severe case of vagina elbow. It's a condition not unlike tennis elbow, but you get it from masturbating.”
“My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.”
“Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I decided I...”
“While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use stree...”
“I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite their friends who don't even have dogs. I understand why people like dogs, and I think they definit...”
“Another thing I take issue with are people who take their dogs on "play dates," or even worse, people who choose to dress their dogs up in outfits better suited for homosexuals participating in a g...”
