“When God Created Mothers"When the Good Lord was creating mothers, He was into His sixth day of "overtime" when the angel appeared and said. "You're doing a lot of fiddling around on this one." And ...”

“When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it's a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.”

“There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.”

“I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food”

“Housework can kill you if done right.”

“Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.”

“Instead of communicating "I love you, so let me make life easy for you," I decided that my message needed to be something more along these lines: "I love you. I believe in you. I know what you're c...”

“Eric moved the broom experimentally and made an attempt to sweep the glass into the pan while it lay in the middle of the floor. Of course, the pan slid away. Eric scowled.I'd finally found somethi...”

“I gladly gave my aunt the privilege of scraping off all gum so my job wasnt as interesting or horrifying. I did find a few more menu drawings--a babys scribble, an elaborate tic-tac-toe board, and ...”

“Housework won't kill you, but then again, why take the chance?”

“Marrying Gretchen is a good idea, darling; I would enjoy bringing her up. Teaching her to shoot, helping her with her first baby, coaching her in how to handle a knife, working out with her in mart...”

“There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse.”

“If someone were to harm my family or a friend or somebody I love, I would eat them. I might end up in jail for 500 years, but I would eat them.”

“Sometimes you know you've got a chance with a girl because she wants to fight with you. If the world wasn't so messed up, it wouldn't be like that. If the world was normal, a girl being nice to you...”

“Smirking, he says, "Whatever spell you just tried to cast on me, it didn't work, so I think you need to go back to Hogwarts.”