Quotes by Phyllis Diller

“A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.”

“Housework won't kill you, but then again, why take the chance?”

“Money's scarceTimes are hardHere's your fuckingXmas card”

“Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.”

“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”

“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”

“We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 months teaching them to sit down and shut up.”

“I want my children to have all the things I couldnt afford. Then I want to move in with them.”

“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”

“Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.”

“My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.”

“It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder, and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.”

“Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.”

“What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”

“We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.”

“Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.”

“Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?”

“My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.”

“It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.”

“The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.”