“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up.”

“You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.”

“Some pains are physical, and some pains are mental, but the one that's both is dental.”

“Higgledy piggledy, my black hen,She lays eggs for gentlemen.Gentlemen come every dayTo count what my black hen doth lay.If perchance she lays too many,They fine my hen a pretty penny;If perchance s...”

“Which the Chicken and Which the Egg?He drinks because she scolds, he thinks;She thinks she scolds because he drinks;And nether will admit what's true,That he's a sot and she's a shrew.”

“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”

“Thats it. Keep that edge. Fight like theres no tomorrow.”

“Sergeant Tin said it would be easier to just call you Corporal. She said you go back and forth, promoted one day and busted the next.”

“Because if I ever get nailed, I dont want you running out to get the same medicine. Believe me, if its you lying out there, Im gonna make sure youre alive before I go.”

“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”

“Be wary of strong drink, it can make you shoot at the tax collector...and miss.”

“In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.”

“Alan Campbell opened one eye.From somewhere in remote distances, muffled beyond sight or sound, his soul crawled back painfully, through subterranean corridors, up into his body again. Toward the l...”

“Love gives the best of highsBut also the worst of hangovers.”

“I very carefully levered up an eyelid and shut it again fast. A merciless sunbeam had squirted straight in, making my brain bleed.”