“Memory is a crazy woman that hoards colored rags and throws away food.”

“If you keep your eyes so fixed on heaven that you never look at the earth, you will stumble into hell.”

“Happiness is the harvest of a quiet eye.”

“Reason clears and plants the wilderness of the imagination to harvest the wheat of art.”

“Show me a genuine case of platonic friendship, and I shall show you two old or homely faces.”

“Revenge is often like biting a dog because the dog bit you.”

“No Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.”

“I have admired W.C. Fields since the day he advanced upon Baby LeRoy with an ice pick. Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.”

“One bliss for which there is no match is when you itch to up and scratch.”

“Your vile and bitter diatribes only serve to show how vile and bitter you must be.”

“I try to make my comments like a woman's skirt: long enough to be respectable and short enough to be interesting. ”

“Comments outnumber ideas.”