“You know you're getting older when you don't care where your wife goes just so you don't have to go along.”

“she: Before we got married you told me you were well-off. he: I was and I didn't know it.”

“Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it.”

“Marriage is like a violin. After the beautiful music is over the strings are still attached.”

“The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a male is when he's a baby.”

“There's another advantage in being poor. The doctor will cure you faster.”

“I'd like to introduce a man with a lot of charm talent and wit. Unfortunately he couldn't be here tonight so instead . . .”

“I do not stand on protocol. If you just call me Excellency it will be okay.”

“The number-one fear in life is public speaking and the number-two fear is death. This means that if you go to a funeral you're better off in the casket than giving the eulogy.”