“I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.”

“Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.”

“If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.”

“Women don't want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff ...”

“Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some.”

“There's nothing wrong with stretching the truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious.”

“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”

“Be wary of strong drink, it can make you shoot at the tax collector...and miss.”

“In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.”