“Fear, left unchecked, can spread like a virus.”

“And someone, somewhere, was having an even worse time of it than me. I tried to keep that in mind. No matter how crappy your life, someone will probably beat you in the my-life-is-crap category. No...”

“Ramon looked closely at the little guy as he ate. "Maybe he's Jewish. I mean, if Sammy Davis Jr. could convert to Judaism, why not a chupacabra? We should name him Harry Mendelbaum."I held up my ar...”

“There were upsides to the whole mess. While Douglas was holding me hostage, Id met a girlI mean, screw dating websites and house parties; apparently all the really eligible ladies are being held in...”

“You are quite possibly the least smooth guy I know, she mumbled. You cant even put your arm around me without tripping up.”

“She looked away, trying not to cry. She hated crying, and in public she hated it more.”

“But the toaster was quite satisfied with itself, thank you. Though it knew from magazines that there were toasters who could toast four slices at a time, it didn't think that the master, who lived ...”

“In any case, muffins that are only imaginary aren't liable to get stuck.”

“Gender and the complications it gives rise to simply aren't relevant to the lives appliances lead.”

“A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.”

“I've always said that idleness dulls the spirit. We have to keep the brain busy, or at least the hands if we don't have a brain.”

“If your workplace was somehow transplanted into the jungle and everyone was forced to survive at a very primitive level, it's safe to say that eventually your boss would rape you.”

“Let me feel how thy pulses beat.”

“Jesus Christ! A man could only take so much. She yelped as he snatched her up around the waist and sat her on the counter. Sit there and dont move. Dont bat your eyes. Dont lick your lips. Dont get...”

“It was a superstition among them that a lover who smoked would always return, even from France. A man's sexual capacity might be injured by smoking, but they would always prefer a faithful to a pot...”