“Everything we do in life is based on fear, especially love.”

“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.”

“I have always been a huge admirer of my own work. I'm one of the funniest and most entertaining writers I know.”

“The only thing we don't have a god for is premature ejaculation... but I hear that it's coming quickly.”

“As long as the world is turning and spinning, we're gonna be dizzy and we're gonna make mistakes.”

“Humor is just another defense against theuniverse.”

“The contemporary proliferation of bullshit also has deeper sources, in various forms of skepticism which deny that we can have any reliable access to an objective reality and which therefore reject...”

“My bullshit meter is reading that as 'false'.”

“Apparently people don't like the truth, but I do like it; I like it because it upsets a lot of people. If you show them enough times that their arguments are bullshit, then maybe just once, one of ...”

“A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.”

“I've always said that idleness dulls the spirit. We have to keep the brain busy, or at least the hands if we don't have a brain.”

“If your workplace was somehow transplanted into the jungle and everyone was forced to survive at a very primitive level, it's safe to say that eventually your boss would rape you.”

“And then I remember this morning and I wonder if it really happened or if I dreamed it. It was nice. And weird. And tender. I'm not used to tender. It's a fossil, that word. Conditions changed and ...”

“Religious ceremonial nowadays provides less opportunity for bad language and sexual symbolism.”

“If the passage absolutely demands cursing, be moderate. A little of it goes a long way. I've seen beginning writers pepper curse words through sentence after sentence.'If you don't -blanking- get y...”