“The only thing weaker than a toddler's handshake is their immune system.”

“We are all a little weird. And we like to think that there is always someone weirder. I mean, I am sure some of you are looking at me and thinking, Well, at least I am not as weird as you, and I am...”

“In America we have gone way beyond sustenance. Eating is an activity. 'Why dont we get lunch, and then well grab some pizza.”

“I love the phrase "I have a sweet tooth." I always want to say, "You're ordering it for your tooth? That's interesting, because it's going straight to your butt. I think your butt owed your tooth a...”

“How did we get to the point where we're paying for bottled water? I imagine it was some weird marketing meeting over in France.”

“Each city in the southeastern part of the United States has its own unique type of specialty food that can be only found in that city, and it all happens to be called 'barbecue'.”

“This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man.”

“I love you like a fat kid loves cake!”

“Hard work should be rewarded by good food.”