57 quotes found
“Was it too much to expect the rest of the world to care about grammar or pay attention to details?”
“We spent days and weeks doing nothing, calling one another ten times a day to schedule our nothing-doing.”
“I have one top-notch baby with whom I am in love. It's a head-over-heels "first love" kind of thing, because I pay for everything and all we do is hold hands.”
“Everyone is quiet. Which is the wooooooorst. Its scary when a group of people all know instinctively not to joke around.”
“(My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.)”
“My first job as assistant director was to make sure he didn't cast the talented blond dancer who had so easily stolen my boyfriend the summer before. I accomplished this with the persistent and ski...”
“Someone should do a study of the human brain and how quickly it can adjust to luxury.”
“In improv there are no mistakes, only beautiful happy accidents. And many of the worlds greatest discoveries have been by accident.”
“This worked out perfectly for me in college, because what nineteen-year-old Virginia boy doesn't want a wide-hipped, sarcastic Greek girl with short hair that's permed on top? What's that you say? ...”
“Only in comedy, by the way, does an obedient white girl from the suburbs count as diversity”
“I was walking home alone from school and I was wearing a dress. A dude drove by and yelled, "Nice tits." Embarrassed and enraged, I screamed after him, "Suck my dick.”
“So, to sum up my room-clearing generalizations, men are in comedy to break rules.”
“The first rule of improvisation is AGREE. Always agree and SAY YES. When you're improvising, this means you are required to agree with whatever your partner has created. So if we're improvising and...”
“The second rule of improvisation is not only to say yes, but YES, AND. You are supposed to agree and then _add something of your own._ If I start a scene with 'I can't believe it's so hot in here,'...”
“That night's show was watched by ten million people, so I guess that director at The Second City who said the audience "didn't want to see a sketch with two women" can go shit in his hat.”
“And when she [her daughter] one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends,For I will not have t...”
“This is one of the weird things about motherhood. You can predict that some of your best moments will happen around the toilet at six am while you're holding a pile of fingernail clipping like a Sa...”
“(My proudest moment as a child was the time I beat my uncle Pierre at Scrabble with the seven-letter word FARTING.)”
“You could put a blond wig on a hot-water heater and some dude would try to fuck it.”
“Photoshop is just like makeup. When its done well it looks great, and when its overdone you look like a crazy asshole.”
