Quotes by Sarah Silverman

“My stepfather, John O'Hara, was the goodest man there was. He was not a man of many words, but of carefully chosen ones. He was the one parent who didn't try to fix me. One night I sat on his lap i...”

“Mother Teresa didn't walk around complaining about her thighs -- she had shit to do.”

“Nothing seems crazy when you're used to it.”

“I am diagnosed with not having enough insanely-addictive drugs coursing through my body.”

“Great News! If you quit being cunty the whole world will stop being against you!”

“To all you sensitive sallys out there who spend your time scribing angry letters, I have great news: Scientific models show that in the not-too-distant future, all the races will become so complete...”

“Some people need Hell. If youre the type of guy who sees a hooker in an alleyway and instinctively thinks, Hey, now theres something I could rape and kill without any consequences, then the concept...”

“It's not cold in here, you're just dying.”

“Well, I'm not afraid to say something if I think it's funny, even if it's harsh or racist.”

“But I think you can make fun of anything as long as it's funny enough.”

“I like my life alone. I mean, I love being with friends, and I love kissing and loving someone to pieces. But it's hard to find someone who doesn't ultimately start judging you and your choices.”

“I have very vivid dreams - almost always action-adventure. I'm often on the run. I've always had dreams. When I was little, I'd go to sleep with my head on my hands, which were in fists like I was ...”

“Some people say my humor focuses too much on stereotypes. It doesn't. It focuses on facts.”

“Some people need Hell. If you’re the type of guy who sees a hooker in an alleyway and instinctively thinks, “Hey, now there’s something I could rape and kill without any consequences,” then the con...”

“You look like my friend Debbie. That's really weird … do you get that a lot? — It's sad, though, 'cause you know, we're not really friends anymore. But, uh, it's not your fault. Seriously, it was '...”

“Once I was with two men in one night. But I could never do it again—I could hardly walk afterward. Two dinners? That's a lot of food.”

“I got jury duty … and I didn't want to go, so my friend said, You should write something really really racist on the form when you return it. Like, you should put 'I hate chinks'. And I said, I'm n...”

“I'm so glad Courtney Love is here; I left my crack in my other purse.”

“I commend you on all you've done for PETA, wrestling the one-eyed trouser snake with your bare hands, gently cuddling it in your arms, and nurturing it back to health.”

“Everybody blames the Jews for killing Christ, and then the Jews try to pass it off on the Romans. I'm one of the few people that believe it was the blacks.”