“My stepfather, John O'Hara, was the goodest man there was. He was not a man of many words, but of carefully chosen ones. He was the one parent who didn't try to fix me. One night I sat on his lap i...”

“Mother Teresa didn't walk around complaining about her thighs -- she had shit to do.”

“Nothing seems crazy when you're used to it.”

“I am diagnosed with not having enough insanely-addictive drugs coursing through my body.”

“Great News! If you quit being cunty the whole world will stop being against you!”

“To all you sensitive sallys out there who spend your time scribing angry letters, I have great news: Scientific models show that in the not-too-distant future, all the races will become so complete...”