Quotes by Patton Oswalt

“I had a romance novel inside me, but I paid three sailors to beat it out of me with steel pipes.”

“People will find transformation and transcendence in a McDonald's hash brown if it's all they've got.”

“I want to experience as many different tastes, sights, emotions, conflicts, and cultures as possible, so that I can expand the canvas of my memory and enrich my comedy.”

“Does anyone act more like an overserious senior citizen with time running out on their chance for immortality than someone in their twenties?”

“hobos' (a slang term that combines the words 'hope' and 'bowl of beans given to me for free by a woman who then initiated intercourse')”

“If someone like this were to like me, to like my comedy, and to like the way I conduct myself professionally, it would mean that I suck as a person.”

“So when you spot violence, or bigotry, or intolerance or fear or just garden-variety misogyny, hatred or ignorance, just look it in the eye and think, 'The good outnumber you, and we always will.'”

“I've gotten very cynical and kind of anhedonic about all the things I have to do to get to do comedy: all the travel, hotels, and airports.”

“Lot of ugly funny dudes end up with some pretty gorgeous women. Women are much deeper than us in choosing a mate - they see in the long term.”

“I've had some pretty good arguments with people, but I've never regretted it. I've had people come up where it's all emotion and no fact. That's always sad.”

“Zombies can't believe the energy we waste on nonfood pursuits.”

“In this age of cynicism, bipartisanship and personal cowardice, it's refreshing to find a group of people willing to die for what they believe.”

“The angry @ tweets from my hammer toed followers opened my eyes. Pedo-phobe shaming hurts us all. I am a PROUD pedophile!”

“My dong is super-friendly and loves getting rubbed by children. #CareerEndingTwitterTypos”

“If they've really caught the #GoldenStateKiller, I hope I get to visit him. Not to gloat or gawk — to ask him the questions that @TrueCrimeDiary wanted answered in her Letter To An Old Man at the e...”

“...I send money to NPR [National Public Radio], I support them, I support them philosophically. But, it's UN-LISTENABLE RADIO! You understand me? I send them money, so I don't have to listen to the...”

“Every time I'm on a TV show, and I have a [sexually explicit] line, they never say, Don't say that! At all! Because I wouldn't; I know you're not supposed to say that. Instead they say: Can you fin...”

“If the standard for being impeached is getting a blowjob or covering up a burglary, then shouldn't Bush have been executed by now?”

“They had a class at my college called Physics for Poets! Hey there, theater fags and English queers! Put on some pantaloons and a scarf and take a bracing shot of absinthe and skip on down through ...”

“I was thinking the other day about a time machine... and the first thing I thought of doing if I actually had a time machine, is that I would go back in time to about 1993 or '94, and kill George L...”