“I had a romance novel inside me, but I paid three sailors to beat it out of me with steel pipes.”

“I want to experience as many different tastes, sights, emotions, conflicts, and cultures as possible, so that I can expand the canvas of my memory and enrich my comedy.”

“Does anyone act more like an overserious senior citizen with time running out on their chance for immortality than someone in their twenties?”

“hobos' (a slang term that combines the words 'hope' and 'bowl of beans given to me for free by a woman who then initiated intercourse')”

“If someone like this were to like me, to like my comedy, and to like the way I conduct myself professionally, it would mean that I suck as a person.”

“So when you spot violence, or bigotry, or intolerance or fear or just garden-variety misogyny, hatred or ignorance, just look it in the eye and think, 'The good outnumber you, and we always will.'”

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection”

“I read once that the ancient Egyptians had fifty words for sand & the Eskimos had a hundred words for snow. I wish I had a thousand words for love, but all that comes to mind is the way you move ag...”

“Romance is the glamour which turns the dust of everyday life into a golden haze. ”

“We accept the love we think we deserve.”

“All Earthquakes and Disasters are warnings theres too much corruption in the world ”

“Its only when youre at the bottom of the ladder that you ascend.”

“A sense of Deity is inscribed on every heart. Nay, even idolatry is ample evidence of this fact.”

“One day, you would see,You have dropped your attire,The dirt you are carrying on your shoulderAnd your entire self!”

“Transcendence is transformation.”