“I had a romance novel inside me, but I paid three sailors to beat it out of me with steel pipes.”

“People will find transformation and transcendence in a McDonald's hash brown if it's all they've got.”

“I want to experience as many different tastes, sights, emotions, conflicts, and cultures as possible, so that I can expand the canvas of my memory and enrich my comedy.”

“Does anyone act more like an overserious senior citizen with time running out on their chance for immortality than someone in their twenties?”

“hobos' (a slang term that combines the words 'hope' and 'bowl of beans given to me for free by a woman who then initiated intercourse')”

“If someone like this were to like me, to like my comedy, and to like the way I conduct myself professionally, it would mean that I suck as a person.”

“Are we all just Dark Age doctors, swearing by our leeches? We crave a greater science. We want to be proven wrong.”

“I'm watching her talk. Watching her jaw move and collecting her words one by one as they spill from her lips. I don't deserve them. Her warm memories. I'd like to paint them over the bare plaster w...”

“Is there anything hotter than a cute guy who is also armed and dangerous? I think not.”