34 quotes found
Stand-up comic · American
American stand-up comic
“I saw a stationery store move.”
“You know what burns me? Matches.”
“I was born nine months premature.”
“I go around slashing tire prices.”
“I'm addicted to prescription glasses.”
“People read me but they don't subscribe.”
“I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.”
“My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.”
“I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?”
“My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.”
“It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.”
“I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.”
“My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.”
“I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out.”
“So how do you like my overall look? (Jay's usual stage attire was bib overalls)”
“You might recognize me, I'm the fourth guy from the left on evolutionary chart.”
“I get all my hair products at PetCo. (Jay's hair is long, curly, and quite messy)”
“I work at Bed Bath and Beyond. I work in the Beyond section. When someone asks me where the Bath section is, I say It's beyond me.”
“It all started when my dog received free rollover minutes.”
“After all these years I had the privilege of naming my private part, because we all have nicknames. So I named my private part Pride. It's not much, but at least I have my Pride.”
“I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.”
“I went to a urologist. He told me I could go at any time.”
