Quotes by Jay Leno

“I was reading in the paper today that Congress wants to replace the dollar bill with a coin. Theyve already done it. Its called a nickel.”

“New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.”

“With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides,flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from oneend to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terroristattacks, "Are ...”

“CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it. ”

“The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow 'Operation Re-elect Bush' doesn't seem to be popular. ”

“Politics is just show business for ugly people.”

“Bob Dole revealed he is one of the test subjects for Viagra. He said on Larry King, 'I wish I had bought stock in it.' Only a Republican would think the best part of Viagra is the fact that you cou...”

“The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.”

“You're not famous until my mother has heard of you.”

“Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution.”

“Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!”

“Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.”

“The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.”

“My wife loves Europe but to me it's a bad day at a theme park.”

“L.A.'s large convenience stores are so big they can accommodate up to twenty armed robbers at one time.”

“They say hot dogs can kill you. How do you know it's not the bun?”

“You could do anything in your room at college. You could smoke pot live in a coed dorm have a girl. But you couldn't have a . . . hot plate!”

“Let me give you an idea how long ago they got married. You know where they met? . . . At a Cubs World Series game.”

“You know who must be very secure in their masculinity? Male ladybugs.”

“As a politician he does everything to keep out of trouble often by not asking questions. However it does bother him that every time the doorbell rings his maid hides in the dryer.”