“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.”

“It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.”

“I don't believe that anybody has come to a conclusion on why something is funny. It's funny because it's ridiculous and it's ridiculous for different reasons at different times.”

“Predictions are preposterous.”

“Right now I have enough money to last me the rest of my life - unless I buy something.”

“You know how many stunning women told me they can't stand a good-looking man? ... Women feel secure with an ugly guy because a man in bad shape isn't gonna cheat.”

“One thing I can guarantee you. You may not be a great deal wiser from my talk today but you will be a great deal older.”

“I want to thank everybody who made this day necessary.”

“I really don't deserve this but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.”