“If the rich could hire other people to die for them, the poor could make a wonderful living.”

“When a father gives to his son, both laugh; when a son gives to his father, both cry.”

“If we cannot do what we will we must will what we can.”

“God gave burdens also shoulders.”

“If I try to be like him who will be like me?”

“He that can't endure the bad will not live to see the good.”

“No Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.”

“I have admired W.C. Fields since the day he advanced upon Baby LeRoy with an ice pick. Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.”

“One bliss for which there is no match is when you itch to up and scratch.”

“Your vile and bitter diatribes only serve to show how vile and bitter you must be.”

“I try to make my comments like a woman's skirt: long enough to be respectable and short enough to be interesting. ”

“Comments outnumber ideas.”