“I am the master of my fate:I am the captain of my soul.”

“Bland as a Jesuit sober as a hymn.”

“No Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.”

“I have admired W.C. Fields since the day he advanced upon Baby LeRoy with an ice pick. Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.”

“One bliss for which there is no match is when you itch to up and scratch.”

“Your vile and bitter diatribes only serve to show how vile and bitter you must be.”

“I try to make my comments like a woman's skirt: long enough to be respectable and short enough to be interesting. ”

“Comments outnumber ideas.”