“Take the world nice and easy, and the world will take you the same.”

“Do not resent growing old, many are denied the privilege.”

“Lose an hour in the morning and you'll be looking for it all day.”

“Better be quarrelling than lonesome.”

“A man loves his sweetheart the most his wife the best but his mother the longest.”

“Two thirds of help is to give courage.”

“No Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.”

“I have admired W.C. Fields since the day he advanced upon Baby LeRoy with an ice pick. Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.”

“One bliss for which there is no match is when you itch to up and scratch.”

“Your vile and bitter diatribes only serve to show how vile and bitter you must be.”

“I try to make my comments like a woman's skirt: long enough to be respectable and short enough to be interesting. ”

“Comments outnumber ideas.”