“I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't makeit through one door, I'll go through another door -- or I'llmake a door. Something terrific will come no matter how darkthe present.”

“A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.”

“I hate McDonald's. I don't want to order my dinner by yelling into a clown's mouth. If I want my face in a clown's mouth, I'll tongue kiss Glenn Beck.”

“I do a lot of lectures on survival. I always say you can't change what happened, so have a little wallow, feel very sorry for yourself, and then get up and move forward. You can't change what happe...”

“She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.”

“With plastic surgery, the general anesthetic is like a black-velvety sleep, and that's what death is - without waking up to someone clapping and going, 'Joan, wake up, it's all over and you're look...”

“As a teenager in Brooklyn Quentin had often imagined himself engaged in martial heroics, but after this he knew, as a cold immutable fact, that he would do anything necessary, sacrificing whatever ...”

“Brooklyn was a dream. All the things that happened there just couldn't happen. It was all dream stuff. Or was it all real and true and was it that she, Francie, was the dreamer?”

“Your technique means nothing if you're not using your talents for the betterment of humanity.”

“There is no greater power than that of a laugh and happiness is a force which can save a person from the horrors of the world.”

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”

“The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.”

“If someone were to harm my family or a friend or somebody I love, I would eat them. I might end up in jail for 500 years, but I would eat them.”

“Sometimes you know you've got a chance with a girl because she wants to fight with you. If the world wasn't so messed up, it wouldn't be like that. If the world was normal, a girl being nice to you...”

“Smirking, he says, "Whatever spell you just tried to cast on me, it didn't work, so I think you need to go back to Hogwarts.”