“A few years back, they jacked David Copperfield in West Palm Beach, for Chrissake. Yes, it's funny: "Yo, empty your pockets," and he pulls out a bunny rabbit. But it's also depressing. If someone w...”

“Thank God for immigrants. They're the only ones who have any personality left. They still allow themselves emotions, judgments, and all those qualities that we are "evolving" past. I don't know wha...”

“A lot of lip service gets paid to being honest, but no one really wants to hear it unless what's being said is the party line.”

“I think the world honestly would be a much healthier place if instead of trying to find rationalizations for our bad behavior we would just say, "I was an asshole. Sure, there were reasons behind i...”

“The races are like America's children. White people are the firstborn, so they were Dad's favorite. Black people are the second kids, the abused ones, so they still hate Dad. Latinos are the third,...”

“You can't make everybody laugh. You gotta just do what you think is funny. Just be obstreperous to everybody.”

“There are two insults no human being will endure: that he has no sense of humor, and that he has never known trouble.”

“I have a fine sense of the ridiculous, but no sense of humor.”

“I don't think I would describe my sense of humor. Doesn't sound like the kind of thing I'd do.”

“Knowing it and seeing it are two different things.”

“Believe me, It would be better if we didn't meet again. Go back to school. Go back to your life. And next time they ask you, say no. Killing is for grown-ups and you're still a child.”

“My name is Percy Jackson. I'm twelve years old. Until a few months ago, I was a boarding student at Yancy Academy, a private school for troubled kids in upstate New York.Am I a troubled kid?Yeah. Y...”