“How can you write if you can't cry?”

“A good many young writers make the mistake of enclosing a stamped, self-addressed envelope, big enough for the manuscript to come back in. This is too much of a temptation to the editor.”

“The family you come from isn't as important as the family you're going to have.”

“The only real happiness a ballplayer has is when he is playing a ball game and accomplishes something he didn't think he could do.”

“They gave each other a smile with a future in it.”

“No Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.”

“I have admired W.C. Fields since the day he advanced upon Baby LeRoy with an ice pick. Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.”

“One bliss for which there is no match is when you itch to up and scratch.”

“Your vile and bitter diatribes only serve to show how vile and bitter you must be.”

“I try to make my comments like a woman's skirt: long enough to be respectable and short enough to be interesting. ”

“Comments outnumber ideas.”