“Whatever is good to know is difficult to learn.”

“He that cannot endure the bad will not live to see the good.”

“A truth spoken before its time is dangerous.”

“Nothing will content him who is not content with a little.”

“Better the friend we can see than the money we cannot.”

“It is better in times of need to have a friend rather than money.”

“No Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.”

“I have admired W.C. Fields since the day he advanced upon Baby LeRoy with an ice pick. Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.”

“One bliss for which there is no match is when you itch to up and scratch.”

“Your vile and bitter diatribes only serve to show how vile and bitter you must be.”

“I try to make my comments like a woman's skirt: long enough to be respectable and short enough to be interesting. ”

“Comments outnumber ideas.”