“As long as you are standing, give a hand to those who have fallen.”

“A broken hand works, but not a broken heart.”

“He who wants a rose must respect the thorn.”

“Luck is infatuated with the efficient.”

“If fortune turns against you even jelly breaks your tooth.”

“Children are the bridge to heaven.”

“No Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.”

“I have admired W.C. Fields since the day he advanced upon Baby LeRoy with an ice pick. Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.”

“One bliss for which there is no match is when you itch to up and scratch.”

“Your vile and bitter diatribes only serve to show how vile and bitter you must be.”

“I try to make my comments like a woman's skirt: long enough to be respectable and short enough to be interesting. ”

“Comments outnumber ideas.”