“A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone.”

“I couldn't be happier that President Bush has stood up for having served in the National Guard, because I can finally put an end to all those who questioned my motives for enlisting in the Army Res...”

“Most people are completely unaware of their breath. They violate your space, they have no idea that they have halitosis.”

“When you're not concerned with succeeding, you can work with complete freedom.”

“Women love a self-confident bald man.”

“The best situation is being a single parent. The best part about is that you get time off, too, because the kids are with their mom, so it's the best of both worlds. There's a lot to be said for it.”

“When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.”

“Here we have a baby. It is composed of a bald head and a pair of lungs.”

“Men will now get up and walk with the baby in the middle of the night change its diapers and give it a bottle but in their heart of hearts they still think they shouldn't have to.”