“Really the only time men and women get along is when women want sex.”

“They say revenge is a dish best served cold. This isnt correct. Revenge is a dish best served lukewarm or at room temperature (depending on the room) with a side of sauerkraut lightly sprinkled wit...”

“When asked what profession they like least, most people will give the obvious answer: clowns.”

“This is why it is important never to pick or smell flowers, and to always wear headgear when admiring them.”

“Nothing says you care like sending someone a kitten.”

“Brunch is such an odd thing. It was created by fat, lazy people who were too lazy to wake up at a reasonable hour and too fat to wait until the next proper time for dining.”

“A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.”

“I've always said that idleness dulls the spirit. We have to keep the brain busy, or at least the hands if we don't have a brain.”

“If your workplace was somehow transplanted into the jungle and everyone was forced to survive at a very primitive level, it's safe to say that eventually your boss would rape you.”

“Are we all just Dark Age doctors, swearing by our leeches? We crave a greater science. We want to be proven wrong.”

“I'm watching her talk. Watching her jaw move and collecting her words one by one as they spill from her lips. I don't deserve them. Her warm memories. I'd like to paint them over the bare plaster w...”

“Zombies can't believe the energy we waste on nonfood pursuits.”