“I bring the girl to a museum, try to show her a little culture, and she turns a Chihuly into a giant phallus.”

“You should seriously get a job planning dates for The Bachelor.”

“If youre going to be a dickhead, at least have the courtesy of doing it while I have a drink in my hand so I can throw it in your face!”

“If you’re going to be a dickhead, at least have the courtesy of doing it while I have a drink in my hand so I can throw it in your face!”

“The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.”

“Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.”

“The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook.”

“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”

“Be wary of strong drink, it can make you shoot at the tax collector...and miss.”

“In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.”

“A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.”

“I've always said that idleness dulls the spirit. We have to keep the brain busy, or at least the hands if we don't have a brain.”

“If your workplace was somehow transplanted into the jungle and everyone was forced to survive at a very primitive level, it's safe to say that eventually your boss would rape you.”