“I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry.”

“My comedy is for children from three to 93. You do need a slightly childish sense of humour and if you haven't got that, it's very sad.”

“We tilt our heads back and open wide. The snow drifts into our zombie mouths crawling with grease and curses and tobacco flakes and cavities and boyfriend/girlfriend juice, the stain of lies. For o...”

“The teachers complain that the students today are all lazy, ignorant, and stupid. But the truth is that you're smarter than they are. You're not even old enough to drive and you already know that n...”

“I told her about school and how I sat on a wall there and felt stories and words move through me ...”

“We may never be as big as WWE, but the cool thing about TNA is that we are the alternative. So people who get tired and bored with the WWE - I've been there, I understand - there's an alternative a...”

“iTunes kind of feels like Sam Goody to me. I don't feel cool when I go there. I'm tired of seeing John Mayer's face pop up.”

“I've got a new invention. It's a revolving bowl for tired goldfish.”

“Saturday night is perfect for writers because other people have "plans.”

“Night is certainly more novel and less profane than day.”

“I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night.”