Quotes by Mike Birbiglia

“Saturday night is perfect for writers because other people have "plans.”

“...And so we go and I meet his parents. And it's a very strange thing meeting your girlfriend's boyfriend's parents for the first time. Part of you is angry for obvious reasons and part of you stil...”

“Bears are simultaneously so graceful and so strong. Bears know who they are, but they often dont know who you are, which is why they kill you.”

“They really cut to the chase in the urologists examination room, and I tried to laugh. If this office were a movie, it would have been rated R.”

“I try to think up material that might apply to the subjects they are studying. How many mitochondria does it take to power a cell? One. Because mitochondria are the powerhouse of the cell. Not read...”

“I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldnt be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I woul...”

“I feel that marriage can lead to the ultimate rejection and failure and divorce and things we all fear.”

“Starbucks is the last public space with chairs. It's a shower for homeless people. And it's a place you can write all day. The baristas don't glare at you. They don't even look at you.”

“When I was starting out, I thought I would go into comedy and there would be a mentor, like the Philip Seymour Hoffman character in 'Almost Famous,' in my life, and there just wasn't. It was really...”

“I love pizza. I want to marry it, but it would just be to eat her family at the wedding.”

“As a comedian, you want people to like you. That's part of why you're there in the first place: You have this unquenchable need to be liked, and then when you divert from that and take a chance at ...”

“There's something about small venues that's amazing for developing material. It's almost like you can not only hear people's response, but you can understand it. In bigger venues you lose that, but...”

“You can't go to medical school and come out and be like, 'I'm going to be a dog catcher.' That would be so pointless.”

“I'm generally so disoriented during the week about what I'm doing and where I am - I travel a lot - that when I'm home on a Sunday, I typically try to sleep in as much as I can.”

“Directing a movie is a little bit like being back in student government and putting on the homecoming dance. You're like, 'You put up the streamers, and you hire the DJ, and you get the punch bowl....”

“I never looked at my parents' marriage or really anyone who had been married more than 30 years and thought, 'I gotta get me some of that!'”

“I've actually always wanted to write like a one-person show that was sort of a romantic comedy - a show that was kind of cynical about romance and marriage but ultimately embraced it. Because I fee...”

“Someone said to me at a party once, 'Oh, yeah, you're a comedian? Then how come you're not funny now?' And I just wanted to say, 'Well, I'm just going to take this conversation we're having and the...”

“It sounds so nerdy and pathetic, but what I always do on Sunday afternoon is bring my inbox down to zero, which is so sad. But e-mail has become like homework for adults. I'll have 141 messages fro...”

“My first car was, as depicted in 'Sleepwalk with Me,' my mother's '92 Volvo station wagon that had 80,000 miles on it, and I had put 40,000 miles on it, so by the time it retired it had 120,000, an...”