40 quotes found
“I was madder than a Keebler elf getting demoted to fudge-packer.”
“A man's whole life / may be a metaphor - but a woman's lot / is symbol.”
“Cheney shot his buddy in the face. Clinton shot his intern in the face.”
“One can reach the gates of hell just as easily by short steps as by large.”
“That was scarier than Richard Simmons chasin' after you with a box of rubbers!”
“I'd rather have fun, being young and being dumb, than be saved a spot in heaven”
“The Contract had an air of esoteric mysticism when it covered topics related to the universes deepest secrets, yet it was gratuitously specific regarding the wrath of Thotash and the penalty for de...”
“Every July, I look forward to taping a Christmas show - in July in Nashville. In 98-degree weather. I love it.”
“We try to make the name longer and longer every year. First, it was 'Larry the Cable Guy's Christmas Spectacular.' Then it was 'It's a Very Larry Christmas.' Now it's 'Larry the Cable Guy's Hula-pa...”
“I love food: biscuits and gravy, cheese grits, spaghetti and meatballs, chicken-fried steak with white gravy... but my favorite dish is my wife's beanie weenie cornbread casserole. It's so good. It...”
“I think probably one of the coolest things was when I went to play basketball at Rucker Park in Harlem. First of all, who would think that Larry the Cable Guy would go to Harlem to play basketball?...”
“What a piece of garbage this smart car is. There's a commercial - the smart car has zero percent interest for six years. Well, good, I got zero percent in six years in buying this smart car. I'll t...”
“Our whole wedding cost 180 bucks. Afterward, we re-heated lasagna for everyone and set off fireworks.”
“[In reference to Playstation Football] Here's an idea! Why don't they make a button that says frickin' pass!”
“Then there's a feller who got hit by a train! How the - how the heck do y'get hit by a train! I mean it's not like it'll jump up and attack ya at the last minute or nothin'! There's, like, a railro...”
“This lady's suin' everybody in the whole friggin' county! She's like-- she's like, My husband got his leg bit by a shark and no one jumped in and saved him! No shit, lady! It's a friggin' shark! Ge...”
“Oh like you never did that before! Every man - every man has done this! Just tuck your weiner between your legs, run around your house, lookit at yourself in the mirror, and say, Oh, hey there, I'm...”
“Boy I tell you what, if I were a girl, I'd never shave! I'd look like I'm smuggling around Chewbacca in my underbritches!”
“I used to be a bitch. I met her at Hooters. She didn't have big boobs, but she could turn her head in a circle just like an owl. (p. 2).”
“A great-great grandpa (there might be another great in there, I'm not sure) offered a gun and horse to anyone that would join the Confederacy in '64. Who cares if it was 1964. Give the guy a break....”
“Actually, you can make pretty good cash on stage without being a comedian or a stripper. My brother once won a talent contest by fartin' the song Dixie through an oil funnel. He not only took home ...”
“I went to the Talladega 500 with a girl I had just met. She was very sweet with childlike qualities. No titties! (p. 113).”
