40 quotes found
“I got so pissed I took a little poll to see if anyone was sick of gettin' taxed as much as I am. I called 100 people one night and here's the results: everyone I polled said, You dumb ass, it's thr...”
“Have you noticed lately how video games are getting way more sexually explicit and violent? I really gotta buy me one of them games! (p. 197).”
“[M]y buddy Ron (Tater Salad) White talks about drinking my dip cup accidentally to swallow some aspirin. I was there when it happened and laughed my ass off. Was he amused? Of course not, but since...”
“I had a buddy of mine call up the other day, all upset 'cause he slept with his third cousin. And I'm like, Man, if it upsets you that much, quit countin' them!”
“My mom went to that same doctor and got a butt lift. It's a little too lifted, I think, alright. Now every time she farts only dogs can hear it.”
“I was madder than a pervert with palsy trying to open up a condom wrapper, I'll tell you what.”
“I was madder than a quadriplegic with a stack of scratch-off tickets, I'll tell you what.”
“Them [gas] prices are higher than a bus load of Mexicans at the Los Lobos concert.”
“You can always tell when gas is expensive. You always see street gangs doing walk-bys.”
“At first I didn't even realize she was pregnant. I kinda gotten used to her throwing up every time we had sex...”
“She was worried about childbirth too cause she's little, you know. She's all scared. She's like, When I have this kid, I want to be knocked out and unconscious. And I'm like That's how ya were when...”
“Did you know that when a baby poops its diaper, you're not supposed to hit him with a rolled up newspaper?”
“Good Lord, I went in for a check up the other day and the doctor said You need to lay off eggs. I go Is my cholesterol bad? He said No, your farts are killing everybody in this room.”
“You ever go eat breakfast at Denny's, and then go to the toilet and sit in there so long you gotta order lunch from the stool? You ever do that? Now I know why they call it the Grand Slam.”
“I was madder than a Keebler elf getting demoted to fudge-packer.”
“You know, you can tell the difference between a terrorist and a toddler. On a terrorist, the diaper is gonna be on the head, all right? That's how you can tell the difference. [very loud applause] ...”
“If you're in a Gay Mafia and you get whacked, is that good or bad? [high-pitched voice] Say hello to my little friend.”
“Had a buddy of mine caught a rainbow trout, and threw it back. He said he didn't want a gay fish.”
“I like to hunt. We went to a nuclear power plant and hunted in the woods next to it. I got a 34-point rabbit in there. We always go at night. It's easier. All the critters glow in the dark out there.”
“Cheney shot his buddy in the face. Clinton shot his intern in the face.”
