Quotes by Russell Brand

“Karl Pilkington: And I was high up. Russell Brand: I'm picturing you as a sort of vigilante Batman figure, looking down over Salford, to see if there's any crimes. Karl Pilkington: And I was in my ...”

“The first time Tim Westwood did that chestbump to me, I ended up sort of cuddling his arm.”

“I don't like the idea of fruit being all turned on because of cream being poured on it. How then can you eat that fruit?”

“I like pressing that emergency button on bus doors to escape.”

“Russell Brand: What did you say? Trevor Lock: I just said 'ow' Russell Brand: Oh yeah, that cleared it up. He probably sank to his knees at that point and screamed 'There is no God!' You probably m...”

“Matt Morgan: [To Russell] How have you developed pectoral muscles when you barely do anything for yourself?”

“Charles Ingram's views are so pugnacious that when I heard them, I went back to ancient Arabia, sauntered into Aladdin’s cave, said Open, sesame, perused all the treasures and trinkets until I got ...”

“Spiral's views are so enchanting that when I heard them, I cleared off to Australia, strolled up Ayres Rock to the meditating Aborigines, pulled down my trousers and pants, polished my dinkle 'til ...”

“[On a fabricated tabloid story]The Neptunian underworld king unleashed a barrage of eels from his abdomen and each of the eels was carrying a zippo lighter and as they flew by they spelt across the...”

“'Russell, where are the opiates?' - 'I'm afraid we can't have any more opiates..' 'Why?' - 'You nearly killed me, didn't you?'”

“Hmm, wa'er! If, right, your body is 90% water what have you got to drink water all the time for? Why can't you just have some crisps?”

“[On chat-up lines]Well, stick around love, cos I've got worse. The worst being, simply, Get in the van.”

“It's like Kilroy only talking about Big Brother and there's no racism allowed.”

“Blimey! Thank God my jeans are this tight- you could wear me like a puppet!”

“Let's look beyond the divisions of football teams and look at the unifying force within our souls... SEX!”

“October... Is that when there's conkers?”

“The whole thing stinks, Carr!”

“[Piers Morgan:] Are you a more successful sexual predator now that you don't drink?[Brand:] Yes, but I resent the word predator. I like to think of myself as a conduit of natural forces. After all,...”

“Should we stick with the Goth Detectives from when we won last year? Where's our trophy?”

“I kat you?”