Quotes by Fred Allen

“Advertising is 85% confusion and 15% commission.”

“Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for movie stars.”

“I have just returned from Boston it is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there.”

“All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.”

“I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.”

“(A gentleman) is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.”

“She used to be a schoolteacher but she has no class now.”

“My agent gets 10 percent of everything I get except the blinding headaches.”

“The first Sunday I sang in the church choir two hundred people changed their religion.”

“The American arrives in Paris with a few French phrases he has culled from a conversational guide or picked up from a friend who owns a beret.”

“An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.”

“I have just returned from Boston it is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there.”

“My father never raised his hand to any one of his children - except in self-defense.”

“My agent gets 10 percent of everything I get except the blinding headaches.”

“The first Sunday I sang in the church choir two hundred people changed their religion.”

“A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 am and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 pm to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will ofte...”

“A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized”

“I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter...”

“All the sincerity in Hollywood you could stuff in a flea's navel and still have room left to conceal eight caraway seeds and an agent's heart.”

“A good comedian can say things funny and other guys just say funny things.”