Quotes by Elayne Boosler

“I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.”

“I am thankful the most important key in history was invented. It's not the key to your house, your car, your boat, your safety deposit box, your bike lock or your private community. It's the key to...”

“Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?”

“When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.”

“I am thankful that geniuses and artists and good people, no matter how hard it is, will eventually be recognized. I am doubly thankful that also goes for idiots.”

“I am thankful I was born in America, although if I gain any more weight the burqa thing may start to seem like a good idea to me. See? Another plus about America, you can always find some food.”

“I am thankful that all the people in the world who absolutely, positively, know what God wants, usually kill mostly each other.”

“I've thought for the last decade or so, the only actual place raw truth was seeping through in newspapers was on the Comics Pages. They were able to pull off intelligent social comment, pure truths...”

“I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.”

“I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.”

“The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.”

“I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.”

“For a single woman preparing for company means wiping the lipstick off the milk carton.”

“My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times men would not stop to ask directions.”

“For a single woman preparing for company means wiping the lipstick off the milk carton.”

“People lose their senses at the beach 'cause the sun beats down too hard. They say things that just don't gel, you know. Well, you've heard this a lot: Pick up a shell - oh, you can hear the ocean!...”