Quotes by Doug Stanhope

“Artist communities love to bullshit each other and glad-hand one another, and there's no room for the crippling honesty of comedy."I'm a painter" -- well... you don't...probably need to do that.. ....”

“I really don't like art with a message, unless the message is crystal clear.If you have a message that really needs to be said, just fuckin' say it! Don't hide it in indecipherable lyrics... a scul...”

“I don't even understand the connection with 'died for your sins'. He died for your sin, well, how does one affect the other? 'I hit myself in the foot with a shovel for your mortgage'...”

“If you start to smell some of the shit, you start smelling all of the shit”

“Everything that is going to kill you is extremely appetizing.”

“I watched 60 Minutes...and they showed this woman, she's in every kind of..thing like that. 'This woman', they say, 'she lost her first four children--died from malnutrition--and, now, she's afraid...”

“I kept a picture of me kissing my dads corpse on the forehead in my wallet for years. Id break it out any time someone showed me a baby picture, just so they would know how it ends.”

“Comedy can always be taken the wrong way. If I do a bit that is meant to diffuse racism or sexism, I'm not going to avoid it on the chance that a small portion of the audience might take it the wro...”

“Nationalism does nothing but teach you to hate people you never met, and to take pride in accomplishments you had no part in.”

“I kept a picture of me kissing my dad’s corpse on the forehead in my wallet for years. I’d break it out any time someone showed me a baby picture, just so they would know how it ends.”

“Wanting more. Having your cake or eating your cake are fine. Not even wanting cake is where you get fucked.”

“Whether the reasoning for these laws is insurance costs, more opportunities for random taxation through traffic stops, curbing lost production or any other justification that could be offered, the ...”

“The word addiction is used far too liberally in our society and I shy away from it. If I have any addiction, it would be nicotine. I would say alcohol is more of a compulsive habit for me. I have u...”

“Are there any vice cops in here? You dicks. How do you do that for a living? I don't understand. I first read these stories and I think, Don't you have real crime to fight somewhere? But then you t...”

“I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, don't you? It's sad. I've lost more friends to A.A. than Liberace did to the virus. It's sad to see 'em go. You see a thirty day chip on your buddy's ...”

“Life is like animal porn. It's not for everyone.”

“Suicide is another thing that's so frowned upon in this society, but honestly, life isn't for everybody. It really isn't. It's sad when kids kill themselves 'cause they didn't really give it a chan...”

“Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people they're silly and fucking irritating.”

“I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.”

“It's thirty days since the terrorist act. George Bush has told us to go back to our normal lives and to go back to what we used to do, so I've gone back to thinking that George Bush is a soft-heade...”