Quotes by Doug Stanhope

“Does anyone get upset that George Bush keeps quoting the bible in all his fucking speeches? Does that get on anyone's last nerve? Does it ever occur to him that it's all those stupid fucking religi...”

“If you really believe that death leads to eternal bliss, then why are you wearing a seatbelt?”

“Drugs support terrorism? No, your SUV supports terrorism.”

“I had a girl say this to me. She goes, You know, if God intended women to suck dick, he'd have made cum taste like chocolate. I said, Yeah, but he had to make it taste like bleach so you remember t...”

“I've been playing the CNN Drinking Game. Have you ever played that? Where you do a shot every time George Bush says the word evil? Oh, I'm a wreck! You gotta do a double shot every time he says evi...”

“A national day of prayer? Does that scare the spine out of anyone? Especially when you consider that it's all those dogshit religions that start these fucking wars to begin with. Ninety percent of ...”

“Don't learn from other people's mistakes. That's the worst advice you could ever get. Other people are fucking morons. Wrestling's the number one show on cable television. You're gonna learn from t...”

“America may be the best country, but that's like being the prettiest Denny's waitress. Just because you're the best doesn't mean you're good.”

“The problem with this country is that old folks vote. We got shit to do, old folks don't, the only thing they have to do is judge you and vote.”

“If you're gonna have a pro-drug argument, start the argument where it starts: I have the right to do what ever the hell I want to my own body. If it kills me slowly, happy for me, fuck you, clack c...”

“All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason. It gets boring after a...”

“There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.”

“Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.”

“With all the horrible, horrible shit that your priest is pumping into your kid's head, his dick should be the least of your worries, honestly. That's just a little mouthwash and a few years of ther...”

“If marriage didn't exist, would you invent it? Would you go, Baby, this shit we got together, it's so good, we gotta get the government in on this shit. We can't just share this commitment 'tweenst...”

“You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955, when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best...you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y.”

“[on his ex-wife's abortion] Has anyone had an abortion? You're all rapt with attention now, all of a sudden, so I assume you all have. It's a fucking horrible thing to go through. And not horrible ...”

“[on people who join the military] As long as the people who kinda wanna go kill other people are going to go kill other people who kinda wanna go kill other people, you're killing all the right peo...”

“You were born free, you got fucked out of half of it, and you wave a flag celebrating it.”

“They say if you give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day, but if you teach a man to fish.... then he's gotta get a fishing license, but he doesn't have any money. So he's got to get a job and get int...”