Quotes by David Letterman

“Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) De...”

“Labour day is a great American holiday that peoplecelebrate by going out and buying products made in China”

“The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves.”

“There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this my...”

“It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan?”

“I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.”

“We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear se...”

“Ladies and gentlemen after what I've been through I am happy just to be wearing clothes that open in the front.”

“She represents the country Alamonia.”

“This guy put the suck in success.”

“There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.”

“Ladies and gentlemen after what I've been through I am happy just to be wearing clothes that open in the front.”

“Nothing—believe me—nothing is more satisfying to me personally than getting a great idea and then beatin' it to death.”

“We're told that they were zealots fueled by religious fervour…religious fervour and if you live to be a thousand years old will that make any sense to you? Will that make any goddamn sense?”

“What is this, Vassar?!”

“In My Pants!”

“I may not be smart enough to debate you point-for-point on this, but I have the feeling about 60% of what you say is crap.”

“Now all of us can talk to the NSA—just by dialing any number.”

“Hey, John, I got a question! You need a ride to the airport?”

“Nice job…what the hell is U2 supposed to play?”