“Labour day is a great American holiday that peoplecelebrate by going out and buying products made in China”

“The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves.”

“There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this my...”

“It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan?”

“I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.”

“We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear se...”

“If someone were to harm my family or a friend or somebody I love, I would eat them. I might end up in jail for 500 years, but I would eat them.”

“Sometimes you know you've got a chance with a girl because she wants to fight with you. If the world wasn't so messed up, it wouldn't be like that. If the world was normal, a girl being nice to you...”

“Smirking, he says, "Whatever spell you just tried to cast on me, it didn't work, so I think you need to go back to Hogwarts.”