30 quotes found
Humorist · American
American humorist
“The best things in life aren't things.”
“I just don't want to die the same day Castro dies.”
“Television has a real problem. They have no page two.”
“I like champagne—because it always tastes like my foot's asleep.”
“Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.”
“The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.”
“Dinner is not what you do in the evening before something else. Dinner is the evening.”
“We seem to be going through a period of nostalgia, and everyone seems to think yesterday was better than today. I don't think it was, and I would advise you not to wait ten years before admitting t...”
“And Man created the plastic bag and the tin and aluminum can and the cellophane wrapper and the paper plate, and this was good because Man could then take his automobile and buy all his food in one...”
“Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got.”
“This is a wonderful way to celebrate an 80th birthday... I wanted to be 65 again, but they wouldn't let me - Homeland Security.”
“You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.”
“Whether it is the best of times or the worst of times, it is the only time we've got.”
“I explained to him I had simple tastes and didn't want anything ostentatious no matter what it costs.”
“Whether it is the best of times or the worst of times, it is the only time we have.”
“Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times it's the only time we've got.”
“I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.”
“A bad liver is to a Frenchman what a nervous breakdown is to an American. Everyone has had one and everyone wants to talk about it.”
“Every time you think television has hit its lowest ebb, a new...program comes along to make you wonder where you thought the ebb was.”
“People are broad-minded. They'll accept the fact that a person can be an alcoholic, a dope fiend, a wife beater and even a newspaperman, but if a man doesn't drive, there's something wrong with him.”
“Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, I am not a crook. Jimmy Carter says, I have lusted after women in my heart. President Reagan says, I have just taken a urinalysis tes...”
