“Oh diary, I love her, I love her, I love her so much. Jordana is the most amazing person I have ever met. I could eat her. I could drink her blood. She's the only person I would allow to be shrunk ...”

“I would never say snog. I would say osculate." She looks at me as if to say: why do you exist?”

“I bought a packet of Trojan Ultra Pleasure Extra Sensitive condoms: No. 1 in AMERICA. They smell nothing like a positive first sexual experience.”

“She whispers in my ear: "Tell me that you wan' fuck me hard, make me sweat." In the excitement, she misses out a word. "I want to fuck you so hard that your body drips with sweat," I say, grammatic...”

“For my last birthday, Dad bought me a pocket-sized Collins English Dictionary. It would only fit in a pocket that had been specially designed.”

“Are we making a bomb?" "This is a trust exercise, like in drama," she says. "Are we making a bomb as a trust exercise?”

“Every honorable man is forced to yield to blackmail once or twice in his life, just for the sake of keeping peace in the community.”

“The bonds of friendship dwindle with age, Oliver. But a little blackmail lasts forever.”

“The tale of a righteous leftist - THE BRAND DEMAND”

“If someone were to harm my family or a friend or somebody I love, I would eat them. I might end up in jail for 500 years, but I would eat them.”

“Sometimes you know you've got a chance with a girl because she wants to fight with you. If the world wasn't so messed up, it wouldn't be like that. If the world was normal, a girl being nice to you...”

“Smirking, he says, "Whatever spell you just tried to cast on me, it didn't work, so I think you need to go back to Hogwarts.”