“I'm a writer. I write checks. Mostly fiction.”

“I think there have always been funny women, from Carol Burnett to Joan Rivers. When the audience sees a woman, they innately know she's worked twice as hard to get there, she's had to prove that sh...”

“I don't think I was funny until college. I lived with some Harvard MD/PhD students - they were so smart, and what I contributed to the house was, I was the funny one.”

“My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.”

“Is there a doctor in the house? My parents want me to marry you.”

“I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.”