“I'm a writer. I write checks. Mostly fiction.”

“I think there have always been funny women, from Carol Burnett to Joan Rivers. When the audience sees a woman, they innately know she's worked twice as hard to get there, she's had to prove that sh...”

“My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.”

“Is there a doctor in the house? My parents want me to marry you.”

“I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.”

“I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know that?”

“You see, in this country are a number of youths who do not like to work, and the college is an excellent place for them.”

“Sometimes the gap between what you are and what you want to be is a little piece of paper called your college degree. So jump.”

“I only want to write. And there's no college for that except life.”

“Smart Technology is making us stupid.”

“Smart is what you learn from others. Wise is what you learn from yourself.”

“You looked a little bit smarter when your stupidity lessened a lot.”

“Not everyone may not think the way you do.”

“I think you're wrong.""Think what you like.”

“To think, to think, even with a split second left - to think was the only hope.”