“Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.”

“My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning.”

“If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.”

“Right after 'Raymond' I had a world-is-my-oyster attitude, but I found out I don't like oysters. I had this existential emptiness. 'What is my purpose? Who am I?' I had a big identity crisis.”

“If golf wasn't enjoyable and there wasn't a lot of humor and enjoyment, even though the game is so frustrating, you would wonder why you put yourself through it.”

“The comics that are just conversing with you up there and drawing on their own life, yeah, I guess so. I guess some do political humor, some do topical humor, but the ones that I like, the ones tha...”