“You gotta be optimistic to be single. Stupid! You have to be stupid. That's what optimistic means, you know. It means stupid. An optimist is somebody that goes, 'Hey, maybe something nice will happ...”

“I think you have to try and fail, because failure gets you closer to what you're good at.”

“Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.”

“The problem is, the more famous you get, the more people see you who didn't choose to.”

“America's a family. We all yell at each other. It all works out.”

“When two kids are being completely berserk, and they're naked and throwing food around, sometimes I just let it go because I can see a future where they're going to be dressed, and they're going to...”

“Lost Time is never found again.”

“How you spend your time is more important than how you spend your money. Money mistakes can be corrected, but time is gone forever.”

“Men talk of killing time, while time quietly kills them.”

“But who can remember pain, once its over? All that remains of it is a shadow, not in the mind even, in the flesh. Pain marks you, but too deep to see. Out of sight, out of mind.”

“I know what you are learning to endure. There is nothing to be done. Make sure nothing is wasted. Take notes. Remember it all, every insult, every tear. Tattoo it on the inside of your mind. In lif...”

“My mind, I know, I can prove, hovers on hummingbird wings. It hovers and it churns. And when it's operating at full thrust, the churning does not stop. The machines do not rest, the systems rarely ...”

“I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me li...”

“I've got about ten things to say to you right now. But at least nine of them would make me sound like a psycho.In spite of the seriousness of the situation, I nearly smiled. Whats the tenth thing? ...”

“A truly happy woman drives some men and almost every other woman absolutely crazy”