“I'm the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition.”

“I am perfectly sane. But then again, 94% of psychotics think they are perfectly sane. So we have to ask ourselves, what is sane?”

“This isn't funny Dean! The voice says I'm almost out of minutes!”

“My 'people skills' are 'rusty.' Pardon me but I have spent the last year as a multidimensional wavelength of celestial intent.”

“Hey Assbutt!”

“This isn't funny Dean! The voice says I'm almost out of minutes!”

“Hell had been his Vietnam. It had stamped its mark on him for all eternity, and no amount of denial or self-imposed ignorance was going to change it. Ever.”

“It's like Sheriff Daniels sneezed, and they all caught the misinformation flu.”

“You think you're funny? I think I'm adorable.”

“Dad had this story. A Marine and a Navy guy walk into a bathroom together. They both take a piss, and then sailor goes to the sink. The Marine heads for the door, and the sailor says, "Hey- in the ...”

“Your half-caf, double vanilla latte is getting cold over here, Francis.”