“So I am death" Charlie said then turned to his daughter while buttering his toast."This is death toast sweety.”

“Mr. Asher, you can resist who you are for only so long. Finally, you just decide to go with fate.”

“Dont be so hard on yourself, Youre doing the same thing, trying to reconcile all the moms that Mom ever was - The one you wanted, the one she was when you needed her and she was there, the one she ...”

“But Charlie could imagine, because he was a Beta Male, and imagination was his curse....”

“Blessed with the Beta Male imagination, he spent much of his life squinting into the future so he might spot ways in which the world was conspiring to kill him...”

“Don't be ridiculous, Charlie, people love the parents who beat their kids in department stores. It's the ones who just let their kids wreak havoc that everybody hates.”

“A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.”

“I've always said that idleness dulls the spirit. We have to keep the brain busy, or at least the hands if we don't have a brain.”

“If your workplace was somehow transplanted into the jungle and everyone was forced to survive at a very primitive level, it's safe to say that eventually your boss would rape you.”